


The Weight Of Living

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, F/M, M/M, No Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-10 22:30:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5603314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He glanced over at her. "Once more? One more try?''<br/>She says nothing, instead reaching over and taking his hand, squeezing it as to reassure him. It was a welcome comfort.<br/>"One more try," he confirmed. He reached his second hand over, hovering just over her cheek, and closed his eyes. " One more try," he whispered.<br/>And the images came flooding in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Are You Going to Age with Grace?

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a Bastille song, the chapters probably will be too.  
> This is my first fic on Ao3, and we've all heard that one before, I know, but bear with me.  
> In this Kylo and Rey aren't related because jeez I don't do incest. Even in the Mortal Instruments.  
> The rating/tags may change over the course of me writing this.
> 
> ps. If anyone could tell me how to do italic on html then that would be greatly appreciated.

"Ben?"

Kylo Ren hasn't gone by Ben Kenobi since he was fourteen. Since his father abandoned him. Since his mother and uncle decided that they had no time for him. Since he escaped the bonds of an education put in place to bring false hope in a time of need. A name no one in the Resistance Base could ever know, barring General Organa or Marshall Skywalker. A name no one would ever yell out in the common area of the base.

"Ben?"

He turned to see whoever was calling out his oldest label. It was only then that he realised; of course it had to be her.  
\--  
_"Ben?"_  
 _The teen glances over at the young girl seated next to him ."Yeah, Rey?"_  
 _"Do you think I could be as good as you one day?"_  
 _"I think you'll be even better," he replies gently, and for the first time in an age he genuinely means what he says._  
 _She beams up at him. "Really?"_  
 _"Of course," he smiles, and part of him feels so guilty about it. "Rey, I need you to listen very carefully. Soon I'm going to go away, and I'm not going to come back for a long time,"_  
 _She frowns. "Where?"_  
 _"Just... away," he pauses when he sees her expression. "Rey, I'll come back, I promise. Now I need you to promise me something in return. You know the Kaiju? If you hear about any signs of trouble, you get someone to take you as far from here as possible, okay?"_  
 _"But why can't I come with you?"_  
 _"Promise me, Rey,"_  
 _"I promise, Ben. But you were gonna teach me!"_  
 _"I will, I'll come back and teach you everything I know, but you can't come where I'm going," He stands to leave, leaning back down to kiss her on the forehead. Just as he reaches the door she yells one final "Don't go!" but he tunes it out, not looking back. He never looked back._   
\--  
They had both changed so much, the difference being that she had changed for the better. Now most people avoided him out of fear. He would never go into what he did to inspire it, but word got around and most people ended up knowing anyway.

He stepped towards her. "You never changed your hair,"  
She did the same. "You never came back,"  
Kylo turned his eyes to the floor. "No."  
"The- the academy was destroyed and I didn't do what you said; I should have got out but I had nowhere to go so after the attack someone dropped me off at a trading post in the east and I worked as a scavenger for years and then the Jaeger pilot marshal came to recruit me and the marshal was Luke and I couldn't believe it because I thought he died in the destruction and-"  
"Rey," he cut her off; he could see that she was nervous. It had always been a habit of hers, even back when she was little. She carried on regardless.  
"Ben, the only reason I stayed there is because you promised you would come back. For 15 years."  
"Rey, I'm not that boy anymore."  
"Ben-"  
"That's not my name!" he roared.  
She faltered. "I thought I could still see him, behind your eyes. I was wrong, wasn't I?"  
Yes, Rey, he thought. You were.  
He turned and walked away, not looking back. Why did he never look back?


	2. All That You Desired, When You Were A Child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from Bastille's The Weight of Living, part II

As Kylo Ren strode away from Rey in the base, she finally understood why had not come back for her. The person she had been waiting for wasn't there anymore. A shadow had found it's way into an innocent boy, and twisted it's way to his core, corrupting his very being. There has to be a way to reach him, a small part of her whispered. _The Ben you knew is in there_. But after mulling this premise over, she dismissed it. She had been waiting for someone who no longer existed.

-/-

In the east she had been working for scraps of Kaiju remains to trade for measly rations from the trader Unkar Plutt, a man who had learnt how to make a fortune from the invasion. She and various desperate others would spend their days scavenging for parts of the beasts that would fetch a heavy price in the Black Market, and haul it back to Plutt. He would survey the remains and give back a morsel of tasteless food. Everyone knew the rations were unfair, but he deliberately sought out workers who had no choice but to slave away for him, whilst he made a profit that transformed him into one of the richest men living. The lack of defences in poorer regions meant constant threat of attack, resulting in a large quantity of remains to spend weeks picking at the carcasses of the creatures taken down by the Jaegers.

 

Every day she would make her way to a cadaver which had not yet been completely stripped, and salvage what she could with a limited skill and tool set. And every day she would look up and she would ask the sky whether today would be the day when Ben would arrive, and take her away to where the Jaeger base, and teach her, as he'd promised. He'd never broken his promises before. But the sky would never reply.

 

And yet every day a piece of her would lose hope, after fifteen years, all but a nagging little voice in the back of her mind had resigned itself to her fate, to be stuck here until the inevitable came upon her. It was only when that voice began to fade when a miracle occurred.

 

A jet descended from the dark sky above Plutt's residence and landed in front of the gates. And from the jet, came three men; two men with the unmistakeable scars and bond of Jaeger pilots, and one older man, wearing the same loose robes he had when she had known him all those years ago. She dropped the bone she was cleaning and stood, almost as if in a trance. Slowly she walked away from the bazaar towards the man, until Luke's eyes met her own. She had never been told who walked away from the attack, but in her head she had always listed Luke as one of the casualties. But he was standing in front of her. And he wanted her to come back with him.

-/-

"Rey?" Poe tapped her on the shoulder, breaking her out of shock. She jumped, and turned back to him and Finn. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she brushed them off. "Just someone I used to know,"

Finn looked dumbstruck. "You used to know _Kylo Ren_? "

"I really don't wanna talk about it, okay?" She said, the words rolling off her tongue with some unintentional force. The both looked reproachful, but changed the subject as they approached the cafeteria.

Finn was the first to speak. "So, how's the training going? Found anyone compatible yet?"

She sighed. "Training's okay, but I just don't feel anything with any of them. At this rate I'll never get a Jaeger," She slammed her tray down on the table, slumping onto the bench.

"Now that's not true." said Poe firmly. "You're the most capable person anyone 'round here's seen in a long time,"

"But that's not the issue!" She almost yelled, dropping promptly to a whisper. "I can't pilot a Jaeger on my own, but I don't know any of these people. A drift requires shared memories, you know that. The time I spent working for Plutt means that I've practically forfeited any chance at this,"

"But you did get to kick him in the balls," Finn interjected.

She smiled despite of herself. "But I did do that,"

"There's this stupid martial arts movie where a guy punches his opponent's balls so hard they go right up into his brain; it's fantastic!" grinned Poe. They both stare at him. "What?"

And, like three mature adults, they collapsed into a fit of giggles.

 

Across the hall, Kylo Ren was watching. His charade told him to feel no true remorse for his actions earlier, and yet part of him had been scolding him for leaving her there, not explaining what he had done. She's right, it hissed. _Ben is still here. You can't just escape yourself._

_That weakling was not me, he yelled internally._

_You know that's not true_ , it whispered.

That voice would never leave him, whispering snarky little comments about each action he took. He had no one he could tell about his problem. No one would listen, not that he would want them to hear it anyway.

 

Except, all those years ago, a little girl called Rey. He could tell this kid anything and she would listen and somehow, despite an age difference, she would understand.

_Stop thinking about that. That part of you was buried in the rubble of the academy._

 

But now he wasn't so sure. He was being torn apart, and all because of her. Seeing her here, now, had been the catalyst of the collapse of the barrier he had constructed around himself. Now he was afraid someone might see his vulnerability. Why had she had such an impact? He turned her over in his mind for what seemed like the longest time, trying to solve the riddle. And then it struck him, knocking him down like a Kaiju through a suburb. It was guilt. He had left her to suffer at the hands of a beast like Unkar Plutt for over a decade because he was to cowardly to face up to his family. He had made a promise to a child, and then he had broken I out of shame, leaving that child to slave away for _fifteen years_. And now that guilt was eating away at him, starting at the centre and working out until there was nothing left.

 

But could he face up to her? That had always been his fatal flaw; what had got him into this mess in the first place, though mess was an understatement. She had looked so betrayed, so shocked, he couldn't talk to her. Coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it this far, I'll post updates every couple of days or so  
> Comment, leave kudos, whatever.  
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Where Do We Begin, The Rubble Or Our Sins?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reylo is confusing, like this chapter. Idk what's going on, tbh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever. Terribly sorry. Whoops.

As nice a thought it would have been for Ren to muster up his courage and defeat his inner demons, Rey had much larger issues. On the last Jaeger deployment, Finn had been hurt. Really hurt. And now it was her responsibility to keep both her emotions together, and to stop Poe from falling apart.

If her scavenging days had taught her one thing, it would be that there was the most danger in the routine. It was carelessness and arrogance that would lose you an arm. The alert had gone up for a Kaiju in in a bay near a heavily populated area, but it had seemed like a regular deployment. But Poe and Finn were deployed so regularly that they seemed unbeatable. The pair had played along, pretending to be arrogant. But this only lead them into danger. Because they forgot to check for life signs. And they didn't keep the kaiju in their sights. And the kaiju came up from behind before either could react, slicing through the cockpit. Poe had escaped relatively well, but one of the talons had caught Finn's back. And he had  _ screamed. _

It wasn’t Poe's fault, but he wouldn’t accept that. If he’d just done something, anything,-

But she would cut him off. She couldn't bear to have her friend reduced to the shaking wreck next to her. Poe had always been the strong one, holding the group together like glue. But Finn was the one who held Poe up when he was low, comforted him when he needed it. They needed each other in a way they would never need Rey.

"I love him," Poe whispered.

"I know," she replied, wrapping her arm around his shoulders.

-/-

Thump. Thwack. Thump. The staff connected with the mannequin in a way that could be described as a little short of satisfying, but it was one way to release her emotions. More violent than meditation, less dangerous than going and punching an actual kaiju square in the face. Rey had been training continuously for hours, and though she felt bad for leaving Poe alone, he had some things on his chest. Some people had told her, years ago, that people in comas could still hear everything going on around them. Maybe Poe could finally tell Finn the truth.

She had known about her friends' feelings for each other for as long as she had known them, but no amount of goading could make them face up to it. Before each deployment, she would remind them separately that this could be their last chance to tell the other; Finn would look sheepish, and Poe would insist that he would tell him after they got back. She should have just locked them in a room and  _ made  _ them confess their attraction.

She was so distracted by these thoughts that she didn't notice Kylo Ren walk into the training room and sling a bag off his shoulder. It was only when he walked closer and  began "You need to use your elbows-" that she was snapped out of the head, swung around and smacked him across the face, throwing him to the ground.

"I probably had it coming," he said, pulling himself up onto his elbows and looking up at her. She gave a quiet shriek and dropped the staff, half running over to him. He waved her off, grunting slightly as he stood up. "I deserve it for what happened in the base yesterday,"

She looked down. "That. I was just distracted just now, I guess,"

"I heard about your friend, I'm so sorry,"

"Don't. Please," She said, picking up her staff. "Spar with me,"

"What?"

"Spar with me. I need to take my mind off of him, and the mannequin doesn't fight back. Your co-pilot won't mind, right?"

"I don't actually have a co-pilot..."

She cocked an eyebrow. "You? What about that ginger dude who's always hanging around you?"

Now it was his turn to look incredulous. "Hux? He operates controls in command.  _  Really  _ not fighting material."

"Huh."

\--

He was good. His footwork needed some practice but strategy had always been his specialty, even as a teenager. Every attack was parried, every lunge countered. She had thought that his long frame would make him clumsy, awkward, but it only made him evermore interesting to watch; he did every thing with a certain grace, from sidestepping to lunging to parrying. His defence was a work of art, his slashes like an artist's brush strokes. She was small and nimble, but he was tall and precise. The moved together perfectly, each move mirroring the other's. They had a flawless back and forth for what seemed like eternity until he landed the final blow; swinging the staff under her feet, she landed flat on her back, and he pinned her down with his own bodyweight before she could react.

They stayed nearly nose to nose for a while, taking in everything, until she rolled him off of her and sprinted out of the door.  _ What have I done? _ She thought frantically, sprinting through the deserted corridors in the Shatterdome to get back to the med bay. She shouldn't have been able to fight in sync with him. Only drift partners could spar like that, she'd seen it.  _ But what if... _ No. She couldn't. Not with Kylo Ren. Not with Ben.

Poe would know what to do. Poe always knew what to do. Rey scanned the room, breathless. He was still in the sterile armchair next to Finn's unconscious form, eyes red from crying. She slipped through the groups of stationary nurses and sidestepped through the half open door into the ward. Poe barely acknowledged her entry, waving his hand at her in a weak attempt at civility. She carefully sat down in the chair next to him. "Any change?"

He shrugged, letting out a deep sigh. "No, not really. The nurses keep telling me he's stable, but that's all." Her shoulders sagged. "Where did you go?"

"I was in the training room. Trying to take my mind off of it, you know?" He nodded. "Kylo Ren was there. I sparred with him, you see, and..."

"And what?" Poe suddenly looked curious. "Rey?"

"Poe, we fought  _ perfectly. _ I just, after all these years I can't think about him that way,"

He looked dumbstruck. "You're drift compatible with  _ Kylo Ren? _ "

"I don't know? What do I do?"

"I... I don't know." He glanced back at Finn. "Finn would tell you to confront him,"

She noticed his top lip begin to quiver. She squeezed his forearm gently. "Finn always knows what to do. He's gonna wake up, Poe."

He nodded, staring at the tiles on the floor. "He'll wake up. And when he wakes up I'm gonna kill him,"

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters will get longer, I just wanted to start with a shorter prologue type thing


End file.
